"i've been in a two year phase where i don't enjoy life, i just live it - love restored some of that joy, but now i'm bored again. i really wish i could have a kick ass job, do some good in this world, and then live in the hereafter"

I've been looking forward to this BBQ for almost a week, then here I am, hanging around in the courtyard full of faces I know and faces I don't, full of food, pets and other matrimonial escorts.
Suddenly, I realize that's not what I want. I don't know why. It should make me feel great to see my friends in a different atmosphere than the newsroom's.
But this time, I would have prefered to be with ONE friend, not finding myself promoting the school, saying how great is the program to strangers we're not even sure to see again.
To be honest, there are some you don't wanna see in your school, some who are undecided, others who are really boring. But, wait a minute, I think I was boring too, distracted, looking at someone else while talking to somebody, thinking about something else, thinking about leaving. My appetite was affected by that. It's 6 pm now and I realize I didn't eat anything. There were some excellent desserts though...
What should one do when not feeling like socializing? I hate hypocrisy and I feel it sometimes in some people's attitude, it just ruins my day.
Lubna always tells me: why you show your emotion? Why you show it when you're sad? I HATE to hear that. What should I do? Explode inside and have this yellow smile outside? Impossible.

March 26 th, Lubna and I on the borders

And suddenly, we are not in the U.S. anymore, we are in Mexico. Sounds beautiful, no? You say exotic? You say scary?
Suddenly, everything changes, the road, the towns, people's faces.
Lubna "oh ya haram, people seem really poor here". Me "feels like home".
It doesn't feel bad. Just a feeling of deja-vu. Of course, it hurts just as much to see people living in misery, having to do these jobs nobody would or having to beg on the border, but the whole mini-trip to Rosarito and Puerto Nuevo, I was wondering: "how San Diego would be today if it still belonged to Mexico"?

2 a.m, working on a paper about Cuba post-Castro. It's been two days and I'm still not done with it. I lose so much time on the web, chatting, listening to music, leaving my computer, coming back, reading the news..Nothing worse than no concentration.
I wish I had to write this op-ed in French. I have the illusion I could say anything in French. Maybe I should give up this ambition, or utopia, I have to write someday in English. It's just too difficult or maybe I'm not making enough efforts, not reading enough, etc. Maybe I should just content myself with writing in French. It's painful to tell myself I still cannot write stories in English. Fortunately, there's TV and I can write my scripts alone. But in print, what a frustration...

Hassan II, King of Morocco who died in 1999 but is obviously still alive in the minds of a lot of Moroccans... 

April 1st. Nothing funny to share anyway. I want to talk about our road-trip, Lubna and I. More details soon.